First Impact: INGENICIDE by Joan He (Query)

Despite all the noise ($2M in two days, guys! Keep it going!), it's time for another First Impact Critique, where we take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, and more. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

The random numbers have favored critiquer Melodie Wright for February's prize. Congratulations, Melodie! And the rest of you remember: anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.

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This week we have the query for a YA dystopian from Joan He. My overall thoughts are at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

Query Letter

I think the phrase is "the sky is the
limit," but also it's a bit cliche. You
can do better.

For sixteen-year-old Sibyl Kenschild, the sky is her limit when it comes to interior design--that is, until the Genocide reaches Alexandria, Virginia, and gatecrashes the graduation party.

Why is Peers capitalized?

What's Ingenium?

At the moment, I think her life is
more important than these things :-)

In a matter of hours, Sibyl’s world is shattered. Chaos erupts, Peers are slaughtered, and Sibyl has no idea why the Normals have resorted to mass killings of the Ingenium. All she knows is that she’s too young to die. She must survive and protect what remains most important to her--her heart, her spirit, and her sanity.

My confusion in the 2nd paragraph
is making this one impossible to
understand.

So when the leaders of the Genocide present a selection of Ingenia with a second shot at living, Sibyl decides play their game. Four Peers will have to summon all that they have learned to create unparalleled rooms for the enemy headquarters. It is a competition that puts at stake the dearest price; with each assignment, one Ingenium is exterminated. As she grows closer to her competitors—in particular, a troubled but gentle boy who designs chillingly twisted rooms—Sibyl is not sure if she has what it takes to win. And if she does, she just might not have enough strength to ignore the fates of the others.

INGENICIDE is a YA dystopian/adventure novel complete at 58,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Adam's Thoughts
First of all, I love dystopian novels, and this sounds like it has some cool stuff in it.

Unfortunately, I'm having a hard time figuring out what that cool stuff is. Who are the Peers? Who are the Ingenium? Which one is Sibyl? And why are they designing rooms? That part, in particular, sounds potentially cool, but I can't tell because I don't understand it.

Now understand, the way to fix this is not necessarily to add the information into the existing query. Very often that leads to a bloated query that just raises new questions. Look for things you can cut so that you don't even raise the questions to begin with. For example, do we really need to know about Peers and Ingenium? Maybe you can just say "Sibyl's people," and use the space you save to explain the rooms. Which way you go is up to you and what you want to convey in the query. Just remember, it's okay to skip stuff; the goal is to make the agent want to read more.

What do the rest of you guys think?

TORMENT KICKSTARTER IS LIVE!

UPDATE: Holy crap, you guys! We funded in just SIX HOURS! Keep going! Maybe we really can make this game as big as we want it.

We have 30 days to raise almost a million dollars as big of a budget as we can, so go pledge now! GO! GO! GO!

Wait. What is this? Where are we?
You may recall I'm a designer/writer for a computer game called Torment: Tides of Numenera, which is a successor to a game I helped make 14 years ago called Planescape: Torment. The new Torment will only happen become awesomer if we reach our funding goal on Kickstarter. Hence the noise.


Planescape what now?
Planescape: Torment. A computer role-playing game from 1999 that won a lot of awards and became the standard for deep characterization and storytelling in PC games (a standard which many feel has not been met since). It didn't sell very well at the time, but it has gained a lot of fans since then.


Why should I give you money?
Well, first, you're not giving money to me. But if Torment reaches its goal, it means I'll have a job (the extent of which depends on how much Torment exceeds its goal).

You should give money to the Kickstarter if:

• You are a fan of Planescape: Torment, or have even ever heard of it.
• You are a fan of RPGs with deep, emotional stories.
• You like what you see in our pitch video or on the Kickstarter page.
• You like my writing and want to see more of it (I should add here that one of the rewards includes a novella from me).
• You like me and want to help me have something approximating job security.

Whether you pledge or not, please spread the word!


Actually I don't know what pledging is. Or Kickstarter.
I probably should've asked this first...
Kickstarter is a funding platform for any kind of creative project. You pledge money to projects that you want to see happen, because most of them won't happen without your help. If the project doesn't meet its goal, then they don't take your money (which is why we say "pledge" instead of "pay" or "donate").

Learn more about Kickstarter here, and read here for how it's been used in the recent past.


So, is this all you're going to talk about for the next 30 days?
Don't worry. I'll leave a short sticky post at the top of this blog throughout the campaign so you can watch our progress. Then, with the exception of a couple of posts here and there (which you'll be interested in, trust me), I'll return to our regular schedule of First Impact critiques, drawings, and what not.

But seriously, you should go pledge right now.

8 Things That Are True

1. There is only one flavor of Pop Tart.

2. Firefly is still on the air. Wash is fine.

3. No one's ever made a live-action version of Avatar. Also I am an Earth Bender.

4. Bacon is good for me.

5. Eventually, my logical, well-supported arguments will convince people I am right.

6. There are only three Star Wars movies, but they might be making a fourth (WE'LL SEE, ABRAMS).

7. Rivendell is real. It looks exactly like this. It's in New Zealand, and I will visit Elrond there someday.

8. All comments that deny these truths will be deleted.

What else is true?

First Impact: SHADOWCATCHERS by Kimberly Callard

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where we take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, and more. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.

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This week we have the query for an upper-MG fantasy from Kimberly Callard. My overall thoughts are at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

Query Letter

At only 14 years old Zane Blackthorne is the youngest Shadowcatcher on the force. He's also the best. He has to be. The ridiculous amount of gold he earns hunting down tax evaders is the only thing keeping him from ending up back in the slums where he was raised. And he'd rather eat a Narcow than end up back there.

Zane thinks he's hit the jackpot when the Empress commissions him to collect the shadow of a political opponent. Sure, she threatens to sic bounty hunters on him if he fails, but that doesn't scare Zane. He's too good to fail. At least, he is until a rat-faced urchin named Meescha gets in his way.

=D

A victim of the Shadowcatchers herself, Meescha shows Zane what happens to those who can't afford to buy their shadows back. Most become husks of their former selves, withering away with agonizing slowness; the rest die instantly, their lives snuffed out like street lamps at dawn. Haunted by the faces of the suffering shadowless, Zane must make a choice: continue living in luxury as the Empress's enforcer or quit do the right thing and spend what's left of his life hiding in the slums with a target on his back.

I believe agents assume it's a
multiple submission.

SHADOWCATCHERS is a 48,000-word Upper MG fantasy told from two viewpoints: Zane's and Meescha's. I am submitting it to you because (insert personalization here). Please note it is a multiple submission.

I am an associate member of SCBWI.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Adam's Thoughts
There is a LOT of good here. Stakes and voice in the intro. Inciting incident in the 2nd paragraph. Sadistic choice in the 3rd. It's almost as if you've been reading my comments to the others, Kimberly.

The only comment I have is a nitpick about the choice. It's sadistic all right, but I kind of know what he's going to pick, and I'm curious about where the story goes after that. He doesn't hide in the slums, so what does he do? What's his new goal?

All that to say I feel like there's more story here. Honestly, this is probably good enough to garner requests, but if you wanted to improve it, that's the direction I'd go (but not too far in that direction, lest the query get too long, aye?).

What do the rest of you think?

Chicken Little Gets Some Real Help

Cross-posted from Anthdrawlogy's Chicken Little week.

What I've Been Doing Instead of Blogging

I hate having only First Impact posts go up, but I am trying to make money at this writing thing, so. Anyway, here are some of the things I've been doing in the last few weeks instead of blogging.

ON TORMENT...
Designing an alignment system. Basically codifying all of human experience and emotion into little boxes so we can tell the player things like, "You're Lawful Good." (Note: We're not using Lawful Good.) FUN LEVEL: High.

Thinking about what makes RPG combat interesting. There is quite a lot of debate in the hardcore CRPG world about whether combat should be turn-based or not. Part of my job has been to think about this a lot. FUN LEVEL: Medium (only because I'd rather get into specifics, but I can't yet).

Writing design docs. Fact: if we don't document it, it gets forgotten. FUN LEVEL: Tedious (but like our producer told me and Colin the other day, we don't get to do the fun stuff until we actually have money to do it).

(Anyway, tedious is a relative term. The most boring game design task is way cooler than anything I did for my Office Space job. I just want to think up cool stuff all day and have someone else write it down for me, is all.)

Writing Kickstarter copy. You'd be surprised how much work goes into a major crowd-funding campaign. I mean, look at a typical big-budget Kickstarter. Someone has to write all that stuff. FUN LEVEL: Tedious.

Planning Kickstarter videos. FUN LEVEL: High (until they start talking about my video update, then Abject Terror).

Iterating. I get an e-mail asking what I think of a design doc. I critique said design doc. What do I think of the latest concept art? Review and reply with my thoughts. Music? Videos? Someone's possible response to a forum question? Review and respond. Oh, and also respond to all the critiques of my stuff. FUN LEVEL: Surprisingly High.


OTHER THINGS I'M DOING...
Waiting on Air Pirates. Submissions, man. FUN LEVEL: Zero.

Revising Post-Apoc Ninjas. FUN LEVEL: Really slow.

Playing chess online. Our producer, Kevin, saw this drawing and said he might challenge me sometime. I can't let him win. FUN LEVEL: High.

Playing games with the kids. We raise gamers. I can't imagine why. FUN LEVEL: High until their attention spans wear out (so about five minutes).

Fending off tiny tyrants. This one, in particular. She gets mad at me when I work. Or cook. Or read. Or do anything except give her 110% of my attention. FUN LEVEL: I don't like it when she screams at me.

Driving. Yeah. I'm basically a soccer dad. FUN LEVEL: Usually High (this is where I come up with ideas).


So... what are you all up to?

First Impact: WANDERERS by KayC

It's time for another First Impact Critique, where we take a look at your queries, first pages, back cover copy, and more. You want to make an impact right from the start. We're here to help you do that.

If you'd like to submit your first impact material, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Remember, anyone who offers their comments this month is eligible for either $10 for Amazon or B&N OR a 20-page critique from me.

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This week we have the first page of a YA fantasy from KayC. My overall thoughts are at the end. As always, this is all just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

First Page

It wasn’t a white feathery cloud, the sort that danced around in the sunlight on a spring afternoon. It was flat, and dark, and moved with intent.

This is a little too much description
for me. It slows things down. I wanna
know what the cloud is.

Rhanee stood on top of a bare knoll as the mist sank towards her. In the distance, a crimson moon followed its smaller white counterpart over the rim of a mountain range. Behind her the sun sank toward the horizon.

What does the image of her grand-
mother have to do with the creepy
cloud that's trying to grab her?

The leading edge of the cloud reared up and wispy tentacles slithered towards her. She swallowed as an image of her grandmother, lying in the hospital bed with staring, blank eyes, flitted through her mind. Her legs began to tremble. It was too late to change her mind, too late to run.

What barrier?

She clutched her arms to her chest and scrunched her face in concentration. The air around her shimmered and a translucent bubble appeared. Her arms dropped to her sides as the mist crept around the glassy surface of the barrier.

I really want to know what she's
talking about.

She chewed on her lip and sighed. But I’ve got to do it now, before I really lose my nerve. She clenched both hands until her fingernails dug into her palm. Be brave. The adults are too afraid, but I’m not! She clamped her teeth and released the barrier. Sweat broke out along her forehead as the cloud closed in and began to wrap around her. Wave after wave of despair washed over her.

Be brave. She sucked in a lung full of air and lifted her chin. “What are you? Where did you come from?”

No answer.

The swirling mantle thickened. Icy shards of grief and longing stabbed at her, burrowing like frenzied worms. Rhanee swiped at a tear as she dropped to one knee. I didn’t think it would be this bad.

Adam's Thoughts
Writing? Solid. Voice? Great. I've got nothing to say about these things.

My problem here is I don't know what's going on. Normally that wouldn't be so bad, but the problem is that the narrator does know what's going on, and I feel like she's not telling me. She knows what she's there to do. She knows about the barrier (that I guess she made?). She knows what the cloud is, or at least thinks she does.

And because I don't know, I'm not in there with her. I don't feel her fear, because I don't understand why she's afraid, or what she thinks the cloud is going to do to her. I don't know her goal or the stakes or anything.

So my suggestion is don't be afraid to explain things. You don't have to explain them in paragraph one, but by two or three, I want to know what Rhanee thinks the cloud is, what her understanding of it is. Not all of it, but enough so I can follow the rest with her.

What do the rest of you guys think?