Time for another
First Impact critique. Remember, anyone who leaves a critique in the comments is eligible to win
a 15-page critique from author Jodi Meadows.
And this feature can only continue with your submissions! If you have a query letter, first page, or even back cover blurb you'd like critiqued, send it to
firstimpactAE@gmail.com.
Details here.
Thank you, Marcy, for letting us take a look at your YA Historical Paranormal. As always, this is just my opinion. You are welcome to disagree.
Chapter One ~ February 1805
 |
The last sentence threw me off on my
first read. I think the problem is the
first sentences are a bit misleading. |
It was a fine day for a sale, brisk but sunny
; -- a good day for traveling
, as evidenced by the crowd in the lane. Most came to buy. Some came out of curiosity. But none of them noticed her sitting in the hall, left with nothing but a single trunk.
|
I love this paragraph. Great voice.
Great emotion. Totally draws me in. |
Arlen watched them, blinking back furious tears, winding her fingers together so tight it hurt. She itched to slap their hands away from whatever they touched, snatch back what they'd bought. How dare they? These were her things!
Except they weren't.
Not anymore.
|
How long ago did this happen? How
fresh is her pain?
This last sentence is a bit awkward. |
It had been an accident according to the coroner. Her parents, coming home from a dinner party in nearby Saxton Greene, were killed when their carriage careened into the pond at the entrance to the property. They were found with their driver all frozen and stiff the next morning when one of the kitchen maids walked in from the village.
And according to Mr. P. T. James Esquire,
Ssolicitor to her father's estate, there was no money
, therefore
, nothing to
bequest bequeath. In fact, the estate's debts were such that everything would have to be sold.
Now all the pretty things her parents had collected, the baubles and crystal lamps, the paintings in their gilt frames, the plants in the conservatory - even the lovely gown she was supposed to wear for her coming out ball - were walking out in the hands of strangers.
It was all she could do not to scream.
Adam's Thoughts
What a horrible day for Arlen. This is such a great start -- I'm feeling Arlen's pain and wondering what the heck is going to happen to her (does she become Batman? Please tell me she becomes Batman).
The only major thing I want to say about this is about the opening paragraph. It feels tricksy to me, but not in a good way. I like the irony of it -- that it's a nice day for a sale, but the sale totally sucks. But I don't like feeling like I was tricked into believing one thing, when the story's about another.
I also noticed a lot of little errors here and there -- misplaced commas, bad capitals, misused semicolons, etc. Not so much that I think you can't write (you obviously can, and well), but enough that I noticed.
On the one hand, I understand you shouldn't have to worry about these things until the meat of the story is polished. I get that.
On the other hand, I consider them to be
our katas. Ultimately, we should be so familiar with them we don't even think about them anymore. We just do it right. I say this for everyone, myself included. Learn to care :-)
What do you guys think about this piece? Does the opening paragraph work for you? If not, how would you fix it?
