Buy a Book, Save a Baby

My friend Natalie Bahm is releasing her first book on September 28, but this isn't your normal debut.

I mean, it is a little -- bank robbers, secret tunnels, 12-year-old crushes -- but Natalie isn't selling this book for herself. All the profits are going to help Baby Jayden.

Just watch the trailer.



Jayden has been ill since birth. His parents have almost lost him at least a dozen times, and now they're struggling with a massive debt. This little guy is fighting to survive, and doing a heck of a good job with it. How much would it suck if he lost because of something stupid like money?

Plus you get a book out of it. You can pre-order it at Amazon or iTunes. Help Jayden's parents sleep better tonight (God, wouldn't that be great?).

Fixing Mary Sue

Who is Mary Sue? Mary Sue is a character that is too perfect, the one that has or does cool things just because they're cool. Everybody likes them, and anyone who doesn't gets their comeuppance in the end. Mary Sue is the author's wish fulfillment.

Sue is most common in fan fiction.* You know, where the author's character is best friends with Luke Skywalker, Jayne Cobb, and Jean-Luc Picard. I don't think there's anything wrong with Mary in these contexts, but if you're trying to get published, you want to do away with Sue.

I don't think real Mary Sues appear in fiction as often as some say they do, but they do happen.

How do you avoid this? I mean, I [try to] make a living out of writing cool characters who do awesome things. And basically every character draws from myself in some way. How do I keep my super-cool pirates/ninjas/mech pilots from becoming wish fulfillment?

Here are some ideas:

• Give them a flaw. Not an adorable non-flaw like "clumsiness," but a real flaw like "hell-bent on revenge and too proud to admit it."
• Support their awesomeness. Why are they the youngest, most clever assassin in history? Did they train harder than everyone else? Were they kidnapped at birth and brutally trained to be a killer by a father figure who never loved them?
• Make them fail. It's even better if it's their flaws that cause them to fail.
• Don't let them be the best at everything. Have other characters be better than them at some things, both friends and enemies.
• Give them likable enemies. Not just spiteful, ugly step-sisters, but characters whose opinions the reader can respect.

I don't think Mary Sue appears as much as the internet thinks she does, but it is something to watch out for. If you think you've got a Mary Sue, you need to cruelly examine everything about them and everything they do. Mess them up, make them fail, and ask why they are the way they are.

Who's Mary Sue in the end? It's you (and also Steven Seagal).

* The term 'Mary Sue' was coined by Paula Smith in 1973, when she wrote a parody Star Trek fan-fic starring Lieutenant Mary Sue, the youngest and most-loved Lieutenant in the fleet. You can read it here (page 25). It's kinda hilarious.

First Impact: DEAD RECKONING Query by Aline Carriere

We're still low on submissions for First Impact. I'm happy to continue this feature as long as there's interest, but if there isn't, I'll just drop it. To get a critique, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

August's winner, and recipient of a 10-page critique from agent Tricia Lawrence, is maine character!

This month, anyone who shares their thoughts in the comments is eligible to win $10 for Amazon/B&N or a 20-page critique from me. Your comment doesn't have to be long, just useful!

---

A big thank you to Aline for submitting the query for her novel, DEAD RECKONING. (You may remember reading the first page here).

Remember all this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it. Any in-line comments are to the right, overall thoughts at the end.

Dear Agent,

The middle of this paragraph feels
like telling to me. I say get to the
story, so we can see what Anne does.

When eighteen-year-old Anne Davis, is captured by pirates, she may be a victim of circumstance but she refuses to be a victim, and. She uses her wits, sex and sense of justice to navigate and survive the treacherous world of 18th-Century piracy, become a legend and find love. Based on the story and characters of TREASURE ISLAND, woven with the lives of actual pirates, my historical erotic adventure novel DEAD RECKONING is complete at 75,000 words.

The 2nd sentence here moves too fast
for me. A lot of events appear out of
nowhere (it feels like).

"With her own crew": Is she a
pirate now?

The end of this gets vague (for me)
and telling again.

Both attracted to and repulsed by the brutal Captain Flint, Anne finds her place aboard the pirate ship Walrus, until she refuses to kill and is marooned on Treasure Island. Following her rescue by the Hispaniola, Anne returns to the sea with her own crew after making a rash and heartfelt promise to a young boy to bring his father home. She embarks on a star-crossed journey across an ocean, through two trials, an execution and to the brink of death, with joy and bitter loss as her life careens out of control and she travels towards her destiny. DEAD RECKONING is a character-driven story of choices, calculations and chance, as Anne decides whether to return to her life of privilege or forge her own future.

I'd cut the first two sentences, unless
you got pro rate (5+ cents/word) for
one of those markets.

I have been writing professionally as an attorney for twenty-years. Recently my stories have been published at Suspense Magazine and in the Elements of Horror anthology. Additional stories and essays may be found at www.jedlight.wordpress.com.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Aline Carriere


Adam's Thoughts
A love a good pirate story, and there are a lot of elements here that I love, but I think you might be trying to cram too much into the query. For example, the query lists a lot of exciting things -- two trials! an execution! near death! bitter loss! -- but without context, it's just a list.

Like if I were talking about Pirates of the Carribean, I could say, "To save the governor's daughter, Will Turner must commandeer a Navy vessel, outwit the pirate Captain Jack Sparrow, and face a crew of the undead before they sacrifice the girl he loves."

OR I could say, "To rescue the girl he loves, Will Turner seeks help from the thing he hates the most: a pirate. But as he tries to stay one step ahead of the Royal Navy, and the pirate who's supposedly helping him, he discovers there's more pirate in his blood than he would like to admit."

Okay, so it needs work, but do you see my point? A list without context is not as interesting as a character with a goal and an arc. It's not enough to say what Will does (seeks help from a pirate) and learns (that he is a pirate), we have to know why it matters (because he hates pirates). You can even skip things (the undead crew) for the sake of focusing on the main arc and why it matters.

I know it's not the best example, but I hope it's helpful. I bet somebody else can give you better advice in the comments.

Controlling the Internetz

Original picture by HeyGabe, creative commons.

The internet is a beautiful, wonderful thing. I mean, without it, I'd be stuck alone out here, still waiting for my hard copy of Writer's Market to show up so I could send letters to agents asking if it was okay to query them my fictional novel.

But it's kind of a time suck, yeah?

I can't say I've solved that, but here are a couple of things I've found that have helped me tremendously:

1) Take an internet sabbath.
Some people say you should unplug for a couple weeks or a month. Maybe that's right for you. To me, a month-long break just means 600 e-mails I'll have to slog through when I come back online.

But one day a week? I can totally do that. I have been for nearly a year now. It's not always easy, but it definitely reminds me that I don't have to be All Online, All The Time.

2) Study (and limit) your internet usage.
There are lots of browser extensions that can help tell you how much time you waste spend on certain sites, and can also limit your usage.

For Firefox, I used Mind the Time to track how much time I spend and where, and once I know that, I use LeechBlock to cut off my usage after a certain time. Safari and Chrome have a similar extension (that I've never used, but it looks solid) called WasteNoTime.


They're not perfect, but these things definitely help me pay attention to why I'm on the computer.

Do you manage your time? How do you do it?

Wrecked by Critiques (and Dealing With It)

Original Picture: Sam Sanford

I know revisions are where good novels are made. I know it. But getting notes back from my critique partners always wrecks me. It's like getting punched in my fear of failure over and over and over and over.

Here's how I deal with it.

1. I have a rule: no reading critiques right before bed. Critiques either make me despair, or else drive my brain into a planning frenzy trying to fix things. Either way, I sleep terribly when this happens.

2. Read it all in one go. No sense in dragging out the torture.

3. Eat some bacon.

4. Write down the major things that need work. Once I see it as a list, I usually realize there's only a couple of things that will take more than a sentence-change to fix (granted, there's a thousand sentence changes, but . . . ).

5. Take a break. My brain needs time to process how to fix things. Optionally: repeat step #3.

6. Make a plan. I don't know about you, but by the time I have a plan (and some bacon), I feel all better.

What about you? Are you wrecked by critiques (and if not, who are you)? What do you do about it?

First Impact: BLOOM by Ranee Clark

HEY! We're done with August, but I have nothing to critique for September! If you want your query letter, first page, or back cover copy critiqued here, send it to firstimpactAE@gmail.com. Details here.

Time for another First Impact critique. Remember, if you share your thoughts in the comments, you are eligible to win a 10-page critique from Tricia Lawrence of Erin Murphy Literary Agency. Your critique doesn't have to be long, just useful!

---

A big thank you to Ranee for submitting the query for her YA fantasy, BLOOM.

Remember all this is just my opinion. If it doesn't feel right to you, ignore it. Any in-line comments are to the right, overall thoughts at the end.


Query

This part doesn't come across like
you'd think it would. Cut it.

In BLOOM, a Young Adult fantasy novel complete at 86,000 words, the comfortably sweet yet still sassy voice of Finna Claremont will captivate readers.

Not sure why the italics. Otherwise,
this is a decent start.

Born into one of the Big Three families of the Enchanter realm, 17-year-old Finna Claremont’s lineage—yeah, lineage—should mean she’ll make a great guardian…. Right.?
 

This is a big paragraph. Can it be
broken up?

I'm in for this whole thing until the
last two sentences. It gets vague, and
I don't see a compelling choice like
I want to.

Finna’s screwed up everything from transporting to blocking her thoughts since she was little, so when a fairy declares Finna has special responsibilities to protect her world, it shocks everyone, including Finna. To prove she can hack it as a guardian, Finna sets out to stop an evil politician threatening the rights of all Enchanters. She’ll have to trust the last person she ever expected to befriend (not to mention fall in love with) to pull it off. And trusting Liam Monroe isn’t as easy as it sounds. Because he’s a Monroe. They’ve hated the Claremonts for a hundred years, and the feeling is mutual. There’s a lot more than family honor riding on the line if Finna fails to measure up. She’ll have to count on her fledgling powers or else watch the world she knows disappear.

Brief and to the point. Good.

I am the president of my American Night Writers Association chapter where I volunteer my cold-hearted manuscript reviewing services. If you would like to consider BLOOM, I’d be happy to forward the complete manuscript to you.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Ranee` S. Clark
raneesclark.blogspot.com
ANWA PM Writers President

Adam's Thoughts
This is a solid start. The story sounds cool, the character and conflict are clear, and you've got a strong, fun voice.

Which brings me to point #1: Don't tell us what the voice is. Show us. Don't say it will captivate readers. Captivate us.

I think you did a great job of showing the voice in the rest of the query, but it's funny how saying what the voice is has the opposite effect intended. Like if a guy asks you out and says, "I promise I'm not a creepy stalker who'll research your personal history on Facebook."

He might be telling the truth, but it feels weird.

Point #2: a compelling choice. I know I harp on this, but that's because it works. "Do or die" is not really a choice. We all know she's going to try, else there wouldn't be a story. What makes her situation impossible? What makes us think we have no idea what we would do in her shoes?

But all in all, this feels like a great start to me. What do the rest of you guys think? What would you change?

How to Get Good at Something

I have to tell myself this every time I start a new novel.