The Pressure We Put On Ourselves

A lot of what I write here is projection. That is to say, a lot of my advice are things I need to remind myself. And one thing I constantly struggle with (as do many writers) is the fear that what I'm writing isn't very good.

This fear is paralyzing. It frequently makes me not want to write at all.

But here's the thing. The part of you that is afraid, that puts pressure on you to MAKE IT GUD OR WHAT'S THE POINT, is—believe it or not—trying to help you. It wants you to create amazing things, and it believes that you can! But it doesn't realize that the pressure it's putting on you is actually having the opposite effect.

That's because the pressure used to work. When you started writing, you pushed yourself to improve, to get your butt in the chair, to get the words out. That pressure is what got you on the writing path in the first place. (Probably. I'm definitely projecting now.)

But the pressure didn't stop, and people can't live under pressure all the time forever. Writing is a marathon, not a sprint, but that pressuring part of you wants you to run your hardest the entire time.

What I've had to learn is how to be kind to myself. I need to give myself permission to suck, of course, but I also need to be kind to that part that's yelling at me all the time. It's just doing what worked, and in truth, I don't want it to stop completely. I just want it to trust me.

For me, that involves a lot of self talk. Whenever I'm doing something hard, especially writing, I end up having a conversation something like this:

ME: This sucks. What's the point?

ALSO ME: It won't suck when it's finished.

ME: It'll take so much work to get there though.

ALSO ME: That's okay. We've done it before. We'll do it again.

ME: What if it never gets better?

ALSO ME: It will. It always does.

ME: What if this time's different?

ALSO ME: Then we'll figure it out when we get there.

And so on.

In the past, I would get depressed or angry with myself for not being good enough. Now, I'm trying to be kinder, to talk myself through it. I've written stories before, and I'll do it again. It's always hard, but I know how to do the work to make the story better. I know I can do it.

You can too.

Personal Updates

There has been a lot going on in my own life lately. I know many of you care about such things, so in lieu of writing tips today, I wanted to fill you in on some things.

On work. After a few months without steady work, I've secured a long-term contract as a narrative editor for an upcoming action RPG. It's really fun work, combining my experience in writing, editing, and branching dialogue. I also get to work with some pretty great people (and a stable paycheck is no joke).

I'm also still taking on private clients. When I restarted my editing services, it was with the intent of keeping them going indefinitely. Rebooting freelance work is hard, and ultimately, I'd like nothing more than to serve private clients full time if I can. So, if you need editing for your novel in any form, let me know!

On writing. This topic's harder. A couple of months ago, I lost my agent. It was nothing bad between us—Tricia Lawrence is a fantastic agent!—but the agency was restructuring, and she and I hadn't sold anything in a long while. I don't fault her decision one bit.

It's also been a while since I've been able to focus on my own writing. I've been doing more for the kids this past year as well as going through therapy for myself, both of which resulted in less mental, emotional, and temporal resources to create worlds. I'm still hopeful that I will be able to return to it soon (see "On life," below), but yeah, it's been hard.

I do still have one novel sitting with a publisher. It has gone through a rewrite and a couple of rounds of revisions. I'm hopeful something will happen with that soon, but without a contract, there are no guarantees yet. We'll see.

On life. There have been a lot of changes in my household in the last several months, and a few more coming. Many of you know that my real job is being the dad of many, many kids. And this past year, I have been the stay-at-home parent in addition to work, which (as stated) has contributed to a reduced ability to write for myself. (Current events aren't helping either.)

And even more changes are coming. Chief among them is that my first-born biological son has moved to the States, and several others (we have five boys within a year of each other) may be moving out soon as well. This is hard emotionally and comes with a lot of unknowns. Empty nest syndrome is real, folks (and yes, I recognize how weird it is to talk about an "empty nest" when three to six of them are still at home).

But who knows? Maybe once I've worked through the emotions of it all and solidified a new schedule, I'll be able to write some more. I certainly hope to. I have a lot of hopes for my near future, but right now, I feel like I'm in a liminal state, waiting for the end of the transition.

Until then, I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing, working on my editing, spending time with kids who haven't left, and working on myself.

So, that's me...