TITLE: The Duct Tape, Cereal Box Knight
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
Original critique on MSFV
When an oversized eleven-year-old with a penchant for creative recycling unites two halves of an oyster shell, he unwittingly sets off a chain reaction of storms that threaten to flood the world. To stop the catastrophe, he'll have to slay a sinister dragon who bears more than a passing resemblance to the school bully he fears.
This is definitely an improvement on the original. The second half is strong. The beginning is a bit heavy with character description. I would cut "oversized" and maybe reword the creative recycling bit so it's more clear how it relates to the business with the oyster shell. But once you get to the conflict, it's great.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I like this. It gets better as it goes along. I would maybe consider cutting a few words in the beginning to smooth this out a bit, but otherwise it sounds fun!
ReplyDeleteThis is great! I'd definitely want to read this. You can probably streamline the beginning - maybe cut oversized. That just sounds like a sofa and isn't relevant to the logline.
ReplyDeleteIt definitely has me curious. I'd read on. The connection of the dragon to the floods is unclear, but I'm still curious.
ReplyDeleteI think you have the wrong descriptors. You are missing the oyster shell collector info and maybe the suit of armor. How about:
ReplyDeleteWhen an eleven-year-old shell collector unites two halves of an oyster, he unwittingly sets off storms that threaten to flood the world. To stop the catastrophe, he'll need to don his suit of armor made from duct tape and cereal boxes and slay a sinister dragon who bears more than a passing resemblance to the school bully he fears.
I like Patchi's version, except for the phrase "suit of armor made from duct tape and cereal boxes." Maybe "duct-tape-and-cereal-box suit of armor." I also think you should keep the phrase "chain reaction of storms" over Patchi's "storms."
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
I'd also get rid of "oversized" - I'm not even sure what that means in describing an 11 year old. The oyster shell part doesn't quite make sense to me, but other than that, I think it sounds great!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the last three comments. The duct tape and cereal boxes bit Patchi added in shows us the kid's penchant for creative recycling vs. telling us.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! It sounds interesting and a book I'd chuck at my 13 year old cousin after reading it myself. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know his name and whether he's overweight or just big. If he's big, why would he be afraid of a bully? don't bullies usually pick on those smaller than themselves, and why does he have to slay a dragon?
I too, wanted a name. And the word oversized left me confused. Is he unusually tall (like Marfan's syndrome)? Fat? If his size isn't part of the plot, I'd cut it since it just raises questions.
ReplyDeleteI liked the rest of the logline a lot.
I think you should put George's name back in, for sure, but this is a big improvement. Patchi's rewrite is great--I'd use that as a starting point.
ReplyDeleteI like the concept.
ReplyDeleteI could not, however, picture the oyster shells...maybe I'm just up too late and my "picturer" is broke!