TITLE: Flint
GENRE: YA Dystopian/Post-Apocalyptic
Original critique on MSFV
In the plague-decimated shell of America, Bekka has no one but her younger sister, who has been inexplicably abducted by the military settlement scouts responsible for her father’s murder six years ago. When one scout returns, claiming she’s had a change of heart, Bekka is sure she’s lying. But accepting the scout's help might be the only way for Bekka to bring her sister home.
I found this confusing. Was her sister was kidnapped six years ago? How about:
ReplyDeleteIn the plague-decimated shell of America, Bekka needs to rescue her younger sister, who has been abducted by the military settlement scouts responsible for their father’s murder. Her only hope is a renegade scout, who Bekka is not sure she can trust.
I was also a bit confused. BUT! I definitely feel like some tightening of your sentences (like what Patchi did) will really help you.
ReplyDeleteThe conflict is there, though, so that's good, and i really think some tightening will get this logline to where you want it to be.
Good luck!
I would rephrase the first sentence because it both says she has only her sister and that she's lost her.
ReplyDeleteI think this could be an easy tweak and then the rest of it sounds great, something I'd love to read.
Agree that it's unclear if her sister was abducted earlier. I'd substitute "ruins" for shell. Also not a fan of the "might be" - I'm guessing it IS the only way, or you wouldn't put it in the logline.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused at the mention of "when one scout returns" since we don't know who the scout is, or what kind of change of heart she's had. I think you could make this clearer. Other than that, good job!
ReplyDeleteI would try to avoid using words like inexplicably as it is vague and doesn't convey any useful information. Besides, surely there must have been a reason for her abduction? I'm also not sure that the reference to her father is necessary at a logline level.
ReplyDelete"In the plague-decimated ruins of America, Bekka's little sister has been abducted by military settlement scouts. Her only hope of rescuing her lies with a renegade scout who offers to help. But Bekka isn't sure she can trust the scouts motives."
This is a lot shorter and isn't great, but it might help give you some ideas on where you can cut unnecessary information.
My only other suggestion would be, if her sister was kidnapped for a reason i.e. her blood can be used to cure the plague, then I'd probably try and build that in to up the stakes.
Needs a bit of tweaking...
ReplyDeleteWhy does she have to rescue her sister? Why was her sister kidnapped, and why can't she trust the scout's motives?
Loglines are so hard to write, aren't they? I like the promise of this story. The logline is a litte muddled and a bit long but there are lots of good ideas in the previous comments... I hope to read this book someday.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck!
I like Patchi's rewrite of the first sentence. For the second sentence though, I wanted to know more about the stakes. Is this renegade scout really the only hope of finding her sister? Why couldn't she try something else? Is there a reason to think her sister will be harmed? If there is a "ticking timeline" I'd like to know that.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I like the first two lines of KayC's revision but I'd draft the third line to reflect what's at risk for Bekka if her trust proves misplaced.
ReplyDelete